Lately, I have felt as if I’m in a bit of a spiritual desert. Things at work have been very hard, a lot of projects I’ve been working on have been plagued with unexpected difficulties, I’ve picked up some new responsibilities for church I feel like I’m called to do (yet don’t feel I have time for), and there are challenges at home with kids’ schedules and my spouse’s job that we’re trying to plan and work through. If that weren’t enough, there are a couple of areas that I feel God may be leading us into that I frankly feel unprepared for or that I simply don’t have time to press into.
I know that in general, the root of the problem is an over-busy schedule, but it’s all a bit of a confusing mess at the moment. I believe that the things I’m working through are God-honoring, but what I really don’t know is if I’m directing my energies in the right ways. Like, it is known to me that I have a gift for administration, yet I am getting absolutely no life out of using that gift in my present circumstances. I also have a gift for teaching that does bring me life, yet having opportunities to use that gift are perhaps more scarce than I’d prefer.
Such times are part of life, and I think it’s healthy to reflect on what’s going on and what God would have you do. I feel in some ways that He’s working on changing a season in my life, but what that might actually look like, I don’t know. I am trying to listen for His voice to help guide my path straighter, but I am finding that I have a lot more questions and frustrations than I have answers.
I have faith that it will all work out in time, but the reality is, though I haven’t prayed this way, many of my thoughts lately have been in the vein of “God, help me…” and “God, where are you?” than anything else.
Since God knows my heart better than even I do, I believe He chose to give me an answer to those thoughts the other day in a way I didn’t see coming at all. On a recent car trip to a place about 30 minutes away from our house, I inadvertently placed my wallet on the rear bumper of our truck. Not realizing I had left it there, I got into the truck and headed for home.
Well, you can probably guess what happened. When I got home, I realized that I didn’t have my wallet with me. A wave of horror washed over me as I remembered that I had left it on the bumper of the truck. Literally, that thing could be anywhere between the place I’d left and home.
Disgusted with my mistake, I prepared to call the place we’d left so see if it’d fallen off the truck when I’d pulled away. That was the best case scenario, to be honest — we’d driven over numerous surface streets, bumps in the road, and sped down the freeway at 70 MPH. If it wasn’t at the place I’d left, it was more than likely scattered somewhere along the route home, lost forever, with scads of my personal information scattered about. I suddenly felt very exposed and vulnerable.
I don’t know why, but when I got out of the truck, I headed for the rear instead of trying to go around the front of it. And unbelievably, my wallet was still there, right where I’d left it.
Now, there are some Christians who say that God’s not in the business of doing miracles any more, but even the most ardent skeptic would be hard pressed to explain this one.
Moreover, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it’s totally God’s character to be doing unexpected things like this on our lives, right when we need them most.
Words cannot adequately express my feelings when I realized that my wallet had a very high probability of being gone for good. Thoughts in the vein of “Here’s another hassle I don’t have time to deal with” and “I’m such an idiot” filled my head. But, in an instant, with one little miracle, God protected me from not only those thoughts, but gave me some reassurance in my life I desperately hungry for. He IS willing to help me. He DOES have my back. He’s right where He’s ALWAYS BEEN.
And, He did this without me ever consciously realizing that these are truths I should have been praying into all along. In an instant, He turned frustration and desolation into heartfelt gratitude and awe of Him, not just in the case of the wallet, but in the broader picture of my life as well.
Truly, my Heavenly Father knows my heart best 🙂